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Sexual Purity – Christian Dating

paul — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 15:24:13 +0000

Recently a friend posted on Facebook the following question: If a man cannot stay sexually pure while he is single, why would God trust him with someone the Lord really loved? This question generated quite a bit of discussion and a few responses of my own. What follows are the responses I made to the initial question but edited and expanded for the purpose of my blog. I don’t include that written by others, other than the original question.

Knowing my friend and his desire to honor God I knew that the original question is a rhetorical one. So in my first response I summed it up as follows: In other words, if you want a special someone for a wife (or husband) – be a special someone. God takes sexual purity seriously, so should we.

What follows are the rest of my contribution to this thread as well as further amplification and clarification of the theme.

In our ministry we run into a lot of people who are going through marital problems, most of which can be traced back to inappropriate pre-marital practices. And yes, pre-marital sex often leads to susceptibility to extra-marital sex. We are seeking ways to help kids to understand the concept of Christian dating. NO physical interaction (hugging, cuddling, kissing, etc) until marriage. Get to know the person’s mind and heart before the hormones kick in. Once physical intimacy begins then the thought process clouds and mistakes are made. If a couple learns to talk and pray together as friends then it is much easier to weather life’s storms. The physical aspect is natural to learn together AFTER marriage. But it’s an uphill, upstream fight against popular culture which glorifies that which tends to destroy marriage and long term relationships.

There are hugs and then there are hugs. There are kisses and then there are kisses. I’m a hugger, myself. My wife is not. But we get along very well, because I meet her needs the best I can and she meets mine the best she can. The problems don’t come from mismatches in the love language area (if you’ve not read the book, I highly recommend it – “The 5 Love Languages”), the problems come when needs are not being met and when an attitude of selfishness creeps into the marriage (or is there from the start).

Look at where we’ve come from and where we are. It used to be that folks expected to arrive at the wedding night as a virgin and to marry a virgin (speaking of folks with a Christian outlook on life here) and yet today all to often folks allow the culture around them to tell them what a pre-marital relationship should look like. And the world’s ideas of a premarital relationship are FAR different from God’s. When I state that single Christians who are seeking a mate should engage in “NO physical interaction (hugging, cuddling, kissing, etc) until marriage. Get to know the person’s mind and heart before the hormones kick in.” I’m referring to the change of mind that Paul refers to in Romans 12:1-2. We should “offer our bodies as a living sacrifice” and we should “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”. In this context that means that when we deal with a person of the opposite sex we keep our thoughts pure concerning them. We should “treat the younger women as sisters, with all purity”. That mind set keeps us from thinking things we should not think about them and helps to keep the hormonal urges to a minimum. By not engaging in inappropriate physical stimulation we make it much easier to prevent inappropriate mental stimulation.

When both man and woman come to the relationship determined to give 100% of themselves to the relationship (Christian marriage is NOT 50-50, it’s 100-100) then the differences in love languages get worked out in a healthy manner. But if one or both hold back and fight “for their rights” rather than for their relationship then there are problems. A correct attitude towards the relationship (what can I give, rather what can I get) allows for better communication in this area. And since we are talking about pre-marital relationships here, this is the time to see if the other person is in tune with YOUR desire to build a strong marriage. This is the time in which you can analyze and see if they are “in it for what they can get” or if they are also seeking a lifelong partnership in which both parties will invest their all into the mutual enterprise. If you are physically involved during this time then it is very difficult to think clearly about the matters of greatest importance. THIS is the time to think clearly and analytically, NOT after you have taken vows before man and God “until death do us part”. After the vows is when too many people finally come to the realization that they “are with the wrong person” – because that person does not contribute to the relationship but rather seeks to drain every drop to their own perceived needs rather than thinking of what it takes to build the relationship by providing for bother partners’ needs.

The trouble with hugging and kissing (especially the kissing part) is that it is far to easy to go beyond what is a healthy, friendly hug and kiss and to slip into sensuality. That quick peck on the lips becomes a lingering kiss. The lingering kiss becomes a probing kiss. And so it goes downhill from there. The same with hugging. A quick, friendly hug becomes a longer, more intimate hug. The more intimate hug becomes an opportunity for caressing. And it goes downhill from there. There’s not a person in the church I’ve not hugged, but there’s only one I hug as a sex partner (my wife, in case you were wondering)- and the difference is very great in both the attitude and the results. The same with the kiss. Here in Latin America it is cultural to greet friends of the opposite sex with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. But there’s a lot of difference between the way I hug a person from my immediate family and the way I hug a person from my Christian family. There is a difference even in that relationship, although both my immediate family and my Christian family are important to me the necessity of seeking purity calls me to keep certain barriers up to prevent misunderstanding or temptation. There are many different relationships we all have and thus a need to ensure that we are not inappropriate in our actions towards others. There’s a difference between the way I hug and kiss my kids or grandkids and the way I hug and kiss my wife. By not hugging them the same way I do my wife I am not discriminating against them or saying “I don’t love you” – I’m differentiating between the types of love and showing healthy boundaries so that they can emulate them.

It is VERY healthy for a Christian couple who think about dating to be careful of the way they interact physically. The line of reasoning some have is that “I must find someone who is identical to me in the love languages they use”. This is not necessarily true. One participant in the discussion referenced above mentioned that they had been in a “mismatched marriage” in which their spouse did not fulfill their personal, physical needs. Their spouse did not provide the physical nurturing that they felt a need for. So this person’s idea was that they need to experiment until they find someone who fulfills that need. This is a dangerous line of thought and takes the person in a dangerous direction. Such lines of reasoning have lead some folks to seek someone who is “compatible sexually”, believing that they must find someone who will interact with them in the same way they desire in the sexual area. So they try different partners, seeking someone who can live up to their expectations. This actually leads to incompatibility rather than compatibility because they learn what Jane, Judy, Mary and Bertha like – but end up married to Sarah. And it turns out that what turned on those others does NOT turn on Sarah but has the opposite effect. And the same holds true for those of the opposite sex. That is why we as Christians must be VERY careful of how we handle each other physically. We should not be so naive as to think that we are above being tempted. The Bible teaches us to flee temptation and to shun the very appearance of evil. That means we must constantly be on the alert to make sure we are not making excuses for flirting with temptation. If we seek someone who is 100% committed to the relationship and to showing God’s love in the marriage then the sexual compatibility problem will not arise. By learning to talk about things BEFORE marriage and by learning to respect and to know the other person non-sexually, they actually prepare the way for sexual compatibility as they learn together about this vital part of a healthy marital relationship.

The Bible teaches us to greet each other with a holy kiss. The key word there is holy. If one finds oneself “holy kissing” the sexually attractive folks more than those who are not then one needs inquire of one’s self as to the motives behind the behavior. Yes, we should be friendly and open with each other in the church – but maintain always the purity that Jesus calls us to have towards each other.

When one does not receive the appropriate level of affection in marriage then one must be very careful to not seek to satisfy that need outside of marriage. I’m VERY careful about the affection I show to women who are not receiving the affection they should inside their marriage. As a pastor it is all to frequent that one becomes aware of deep problems in a marriage. It is far to easy to become a stumbling block to someone who has an unfulfilled need and thus we must be very careful. That is why I always work with my wife when dealing with couples or women. Whole books have been written on this and similar subjects. It is impossible to do justice to the topic in such a limited venue as a Facebook comment or a blog post. Still, I urge you to consider the idea of Christian dating. What should it really look like? I stand by my assertion that it looks very little like the dating scene of the world around us today.

Many talk about being careful in the sexual area because of the danger of STD’s and unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. If it were just the STD’s and babies it would be bad enough. But the dangers go far deeper. With each person you have sexual relations with, even “just” heavy petting, necking, etc – you form a certain bond. That kind of intimacy was designed for marriage, not for sharing with every halfway attractive person who happened to stumble in your way. What folks don’t realize is that in each and every encounter you leave a little of yourself behind. The Bible calls it “becoming one flesh” and it’s not just a euphemism for sex. It is a spiritual reality. And that is where the greatest dangers lay – in forming inappropriate spiritual connections with numbers of people to whom you have no lasting link OTHER than that sexual one. Casual sex makes for great difficulties in forming strong bonds within marriage. It is hard to help folks overcome their poor choices, but that is what we seek to do. The apostle Paul wrote that a sexual encounter with a prostitute is the same as a sexual encounter with your wife as far as becoming one flesh goes. To a lot of folks “that doesn’t count because it was only a business transaction.” They are dead wrong. There is no such thing as “casual sex” in God’s eyes. Each and every instance of sexual contact builds a bond between the couple. That is why we need to help our young people to abstain from sexual encounters until marriage. That is why we need to help them to learn appropriate ways of interacting with people of the opposite (and the same) sex. We are not called sensuality, we are called to true freedom. True freedom is being that for which you were created. And God did not create us to be libertines in the sexual area. He created us to form strong marital unions in which the children can be brought up with strong examples of what it means to be men and women committed to God and to each other.

Men Of God

paul — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 14:46:00 +0000

Yesterday I found an article linked from a friend’s Facebook status. It was entitled “Where Are All The Men?” I found the subject matter interesting and “clicked through”. It starts out talking about a Facebook page called “Praying People” and the fact that about 81% of the “fans” of that page are female. From there the author goes on to remark on the disparate numbers of women vs men in the church. This is a phenomenon I’ve noticed in churches, although not in the ones where we minister. Back about 1997 I took part in a city wide gathering of church leaders. When the deacons were asked to stand there were three men standing amoungst the crowd of women. Those three were men from our congregation, the rest of the city’s deacons (at that particular meeting) were all women.

So, I subscribed to the comment section of the the article referenced above. Little did I know the flood of emails that would reach my inbox! The author really struck a chord with people around the world with this article. A lot of people (especially women) lament the absence of males in the church. Others seem to almost rejoice – one going to the point of publishing links to radical feminist “We Don’t Need No Stinky Males” type websites. But also a lot of people report experiences more like our own – where men mostly take a leading role in their family and the church. In fact, a website called “Men Of Jesus” was also linked to by one of the commentators.

The Apostle Paul’s words to Timothy reflect the call of God upon men – men who desire to be REAL men and to follow our Lord and Savior in a manly way. He wrote: “You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others. Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer. Similarly, if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not receive the victor’s crown unless he competes according to the rules. The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this.” (2 Timothy 2:1-7)

God’s calling on us is strong. He is calling us to a New Life in which we learn to be true soldiers of His Cross and warriors in the spiritual battle around us. But too many Christian men get “involved in civilian affairs” rather than serving as true soldiers of our Lord. How many can reel off long strings of statistics about their favorite professional or college sport – but have no clue about what the Word of God says? How many are proficient in winning video games – but are on the path to “Game Over” in the life of their children?

A Man of God – what a title! What an honor to be worthy of such a description – if we would but BE such a man. A man of God is like unto David the king. He was a “man’s man” who occasionally goofed up, just like we do too. BUT he didn’t stay down – he repented and turned back to God with a whole heart. And that was the key to him being known as “a man after God’s own heart”. His willingness to learn and his loyalty to his God and King.

Would that I had the answers to how to attract men not only to the church but to active roles of leadership. We’re working on that. What I do know is that as we allow men to BE men and encourage them to allow God to make them over in His image, families are changed. The battle is tough as we battle against the social pressures around us. But in Christ the victory is ours!

Boys vs Men

paul — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 14:23:09 +0000

Boys live only for themselves; men fully enjoy life’s pleasure but also live for a higher purpose. Boys try to find themselves in what they buy; men find themselves in what they do. Boys base their identity on what they consume; men base their identity on what they create. Growing up doesn’t have to mean donning a gray flannel suit. It really means taking an active role in the world instead of a passive one. Making an impact. And creating your world instead of consuming it.–Brett McKay

Wow! I just got that from a friend on Facebook. Good stuff there, and a lot to reflect on. Really, there is a LOT of difference between men and boys – and little has to do with age. In fact, some boys never grow up, they never desire or strive to become a MAN. They are content to be selfish, tied up in their own little world and their own desires – never allowing themselves to find TRUE pleasure through serving others and becoming made into the Image of The One Who gave Himself to show us what a real man looks like.

Looking at the life of Christ we can see an fine example of what a real man is.

A real man thinks first of others.
A real man can cry with his friends or for the desperate state of his nation.
A real man knows how to work and do it well.
A real man can show tenderness to a woman without lusting for her.
A real man takes time to be alone with God.
A real man does not worry about those who speak falsely against him.
A real man cares for those who are less able or who are vulnerable.
A real man can find humor and joy in the world around him.
A real man can teach others through his example.

That’s a partial list, just off the top of my head – so to speak. Becoming a real man should be the goal of every boy. Raising a real man should be the goal of every boy’s parents.

Little Pitchers Have Big Ears

paul — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 00:42:59 +0000

Family lore tells us that one time my parents were discussing some matter of grave importance while traveling down the road. One of them remembered that they were not alone and said, “Little pitchers have big ears.” A little voice from the back seat, where my sister was playing with her dolls, piped up saying, “I have big ears!”

One never knows when a child is listening. One never knows what message is being picked up by “little pitchers”. Our actions, our attitudes, our words – they all reach the ears and eyes of the children around us. What an awesome responsibility we face as parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers and every other category of person who interacts with a child. Jesus Himself warned against causing the little ones to stumble.

And what does it mean to make them “stumble”? Does it not mean to put them in a situation in which they are caused to sin? When a child follows his father’s example and begins to lie – who is to blame? When a child finds his father’s stash of pornography – who is to blame? When a child follows her mother’s example and disrespects her father – who is to blame? In each case, the first blame falls up on the adult – because they are older and should know better and give an example of how to live.

How do you want the children around you to live? If your son or daughter followed your life’s example – how would you feel about them? Would you be happy to see your son or your daughter living like you do? Are you showing them a healthy way of living or are you leading them into temptation?

Little pitchers have big ears. It behooves us not to break them.

The Voices

paul — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 14:25:19 +0000

Growing up is not an easy task. When one is tiny, new born and newly arrived at home, there are no choices and most things are laid out for one with everything necessary being provided. But as one grows and begins the maturation process one begins to have choices. At first the choices are simple, such as: “Shall I wear the red shirt with stripes or the checkered blue one?”; “Shall I play with the ball or the fire truck?”. But as we grow, we are continually faced with more and more complex choices. To make things even more interesting we also have voices talking to us about the choices we have.

The earliest voice we hear is that of our parents. From the time we were in the womb we were used to hearing those voices, especially that of our mother. Not all pregnancies are alike, nor are all women the same – but typically the voice we hear is one of love and eagerness and longing to know us. This voice is comforting, encouraging, inviting us to come and know a whole new world. It is a voice we recognize and react to soon after our emergence into the confusing new world of loud sounds and bright lights. It is the voice that comforts us as we face the confusion around us, often with less than a happy countenance. And then there is our father’s voice. In a well balanced family it is the other voice of comfort that we recognize from our brief stay in the womb. It is the voice that soothed and comforted our mother, thus bringing comfort to us as well. These two voices normally follow us through a great portion of our life. They can serve to guide and give direction – if we learn to listen to them and they are guided by a higher voice.

Peers, friends, colleagues, companions – yet another source of voices of influence in our life. At first, as small “rug bugs” sharing a blanket on the floor, they are voices of competition. They’ll take a toy but at first this doesn’t matter that much. Then we reach the age of egocentricity and they are voices of competition, each one arguing over who the toy belongs too. Thankfully this stage does not (usually) last long and we begin to converse and share thoughts with them. Gradually their voices become stronger in our ears until sometimes they drown out all others. And all too often they are voices that do not direct us down the path of greatest good for our future.

As we grow and continue in the maturation process, all too often we pay heed to these voices, especially when we reach the teen years and the struggle for self identity and for independence from our parents. This struggle is normal and natural because God did not design us to be children forever. He designed us to grow up, mature, leave what has been our home, find a mate and continue the cycle of life by starting new lives within our family which will in turn give new birth to new lives down the pathway of time. But this struggle is difficult because as humans we all too often do not want to allow our children to grow up. We futilely look back and wish they would stay cute and cuddly and listen only to our voice – because we are afraid of the future and do not trust in our Designer and His plans for our offspring. And as children the struggle is difficult because we all too often want to throw of ALL influence of our progenitors, mistaking this for true freedom.

There are many things that complicate this process. Parents who have not known how to be a godly influence can effect us in many ways. They can, through overly controlling us through all stages of our life, lead us to a point in which we are incapable of making our own decisions. Or, by the same spirit, they can drive us to the point of rebellion. Two reactions to the same stimulus. Rare is the individual who can face such a parent and say “I love you. I respect you. But this is my life and I choose to follow God’s direction for it. Thank you for helping me to become the person I am today.” Usually the reaction is one of anger and rebellion and shutting ears to the voices we used to love, or a reaction of confusion and despair, allowing the voices to continue to manage our life and to make us incapable of taking our own decisions. And the voices of our peers and “friends” can seem to be “bright hope” because too often the promise of “freedom” and “individuality” drowns out the small voice of our own conscience telling us “Careful! Watch out!”. Our tendency as humans seems to be one of trusting more the voices of those who are our peers than those of people who have more experience and wisdom than ourselves. This tendency is what got Adam and Eve in trouble – because although God said “Don’t”, the voice said “Do”.

And that brings us to the most important voice. The voice of our Creator – God. He designed us. He loved us before our mother and father knew of our existence. He wants what is best for us and His Voice calls out to us from the beginning. All nature sounds His voice. As we see the precision of the universe, as we marvel at the irreducible complexity of our own cellular structure, His Voice speaks to us of His Wisdom and Love for us. We are indeed “fearfully and wonderfully made”. If we heed His Voice, if we follow His call – He will lead us through paths of blessing and we will know true peace. His Voice calls to us. It can be heard if we but listen for it. Even through the babble and chatter of competing voices, if we listen He will guide us.

It comes down to – what is most important to your life? What do you truly cherish? Do you love your Creator? Do you want His approval? Then listen for His Voice and follow His guidance. He will be your true Guide and Stay – if you allow Him to.

Incidentally, here’s a little something I ran into as I took a break while writing this piece. There’s some interesting things there that also deal with the subject matter of this piece.

Marriage And Maintenance

paul — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:31:46 +0000

Marriage is like a motor. No maintenance tends to cause breakdowns. Are you changing the oil and ensuring proper cooling of the system or is your marriage merely a case of rapid wear and blown headgaskets waiting to happen?

Looking to stake the tent tighter

paul — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 23:49:20 +0000

I do believe that we are but pilgrims and strangers on this earth. We are on a journey, hopefully along The WAY, and therefore our stay here is but temporary. But part of that journey is learning to serve God by serving others and it behooves us to do the best we can where God places us or where He leads us.

We know that God lead us to our current place of residence and ministry. We sought His face and His wisdom and His guidance – and He brought us here and has kept us here in the face of many trials and problems. We also know that our enemy does not wish for us to be here.

Over the years my ideas on missions and new churches and older churches have changed. When I was in college the idea of “getting in and out in three years, five years max” was all the rage. We were told “If the Apostle Paul could establish a church in a matter of months then surely we can do as well in a matter of a couple years.”

It is undeniable that the Apostle Paul started churches quickly and quickly moved on. The question is – with whom did he start them? He was not starting churches with folks fresh from the idol temples. The foundation for the churches he started was always found in the synagogues and amongst jewish people. The reason being – they ALREADY knew the One True and Living God and were waiting for the advent of the Messiah. Most of what he had to do was show them that Jesus of Nazareth was the Messiah they had been looking for all these generations and then point them down The Way.

So, with whom do we work today? At least in Latin America, we are NOT working with people who have been taught the basics of Judeo Christian principles. We are working with people who have been taught a distorted world view in which “if you sin and pray you tie” (quien peca y reza empata). They have been brought up in a world where Mom is never wrong and is of greater value than God Almighty Himself and “men” can do whatever to whomever they please. Lying, cheating, bribing, fornicating and adultery are a way of life and the only way to get to God is through Mary and the “Saints”.

The first order of business is often to teach people to trust in the Bible as God’s Word and to put its teaching into practice. Besides the cultural bias against the Bible there is also the educational bias that has grown tremendously around the world – “post modernism”. The idea that there is no absolute truth is deeply set in people’s minds. The idea that “all roads lead to the same result” is also all pervasive. So first we must win people to the idea that there IS truth in the world and that Jesus is the ONLY path to God. This takes time and a great investment in personal relationships. Yes, I see people “starting churches” in a matter of weeks or months and then sending glowing reports about all the wonders God has wrought through their ministry. And I’ve seen the leaders that are set up become petty tyrants and the churches become religiously distorted mirrors of the society around them. It is no surprise that so many scandals break forth – God’s House has been turned over to the two year olds and they have no idea on how to care for themselves, much less how to lead others to a healthy relationship with Jesus the Christ.

And so we are digging in for the long haul. Taking the idea of the church as being made up of individual “living stones” that are also God’s children, we are working to help those who come to Christ to grow strong and healthy through a balanced diet of His Word. We are helping them to draw near to Christ and to allow Him to renew their minds so that they no longer conform themselves to the world around them but are transformed through the renewing of their minds. And this takes time. Our hope is not just in the current generation, but rather in helping them to pass the torch, as it were, to the generation that follows them – their own children and other youth. Again, this takes time.

And so we find ourselves looking for more permanent arrangements. We believe that it will take us at least another 15 to 20 years to help the church to grow up and become the strong, vibrant, self sustaining, self propagating Body that Christ envisioned. We’re looking around and asking the Lord’s direction. We know that He has “just the place” for us to live. We also trust that He will provide more permanent quarters for His Church here in Pereira. We don’t know the details, but we do know He will provide in His time.

Some thoughts on marriage

paul — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:37:05 +0000

This afternoon I was going through my e-mail and came upon the following quote:

“The most important consequence of marriage is, that the husband and the wife become in law only one person… Upon this principle of union, almost all the other legal consequences of marriage depend. This principle, sublime and refined, deserves to be viewed and examined on every side.” –James Wilson, Of the Natural Rights of Individuals, 1792

This got my cogitation gears to turning and soon I flipped (clicked) to Genesis.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman, ‘ for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

Now, although I appreciate what James Wilson had to say in the quote above, the beauty of marriage lays in the fact that it was designed by God and instituted by Him. Laws may come and go – it is God’s design that counts in the long run. A man and woman becoming “one flesh” is what it comes down to. After 22 years of marriage I’m coming to appreciate more and more the implications of God’s design.

It has been my privilege to see many different marital customs during my life time, and to read of many more. The ceremony is different, the requirements to participate in the ceremony (either as the officiator or a participant in the marital contract) are different from place to place. Some marriage ceremonies take place in huge cathedrals. Others take place before a justice of the peace or a notary. Sometimes all that is required is a statement by the bride and the groom that they intend to form a lifetime partnership. But in the end it comes down to a man and a woman “becoming one flesh”.

Different translations of the Bible treat that statement in different ways. I’ve seen “one body”, “one person” and “one flesh” – referring to those that come readily to mind. As James Wilson noted, “This principle, sublime and refined, deserves to be viewed and examined on every side.” Today many want to subvert God’s plan. From the beginning He create humans as sexual beings, being differentiated according to their sex – “male and female created He them“. He commanded them to “be fruitful and multiply” and also that they should leave father and mother and cleave to each other. Obedience in these areas leads to a well balanced home. The man supplies certain qualities to the relationship and the woman supplies other qualities. Instead of chafing at the differences they should celebrate them and use them to advantage. Rather than bringing familial conflict from their homes of origin they should learn to live a calm and tranquil life where each one draws nearer to their Creator and thus to each other.

There are many pathologies that can be viewed in today’s world. There are thousands of ways to destroy a marriage. But God gives us a clear definition of what a marriage is – and how it should be lived out. True, Godly marriage is worth fighting for. Let us not allow our society to cheapen and destroy that which has been ordained and instituted by God.

Some Thoughts On Pornography

paul — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:59:16 +0000

Pornography, porn, dirty pictures, “art”, nasty movies, “eroticism”, freedom of expression… what is it all about? What is, after all, this thing called “pornography”?

The word “pornography” is derived from the greek language. The etymology is as follows:

Greek pornographos, adjective, writing about prostitutes, from porné - prostitute + graphein – to write

But, what does that mean for us today? And why am I writing about this topic? Today the term “pornography” relates not just to “writing about prostitutes” but also to pictures and videos of women who’ve no more morals than a prostitute. And this “industry” is having a negative influence on our society.

Many will be quick to yell “Freedom of expression!” and claim that it is supported by the US Constitution which is a higher authority than even God’s revealed word in the Bible (for some). But a careful perusal of the First Amendment does not mention “freedom of expression” at all. The First Amendment states simply:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

Hmmm…. so no law will be made by Congress to establish a religion, nor shall they prohibit folks from freely excercising their religion, nor shall they abridge free speech or free press nor shall they prohibit folks from assembling peaceably in order to petition the government for a requitence of wrongs done to them. But the whole idea of “freedom to do anything you want and claim it’s protected ‘expression’” is NOT there. The founding fathers would be astounded that people today defend the publication of sexually explicit pictures – saying that the founding fathers would approve. The whole idea is absurd. But why? What’s wrong with pornography?

Pornography dehumanizes women (and men). It portrays them as simple two dimensional figures for the “viewing pleasure” of those who purchase or otherwise procure such images. The truth is that women are far more than two dimensional. Each and every human being is three dimensional by nature. Not just in the physical sense that the body is three dimensional, but in the sense that each and every person is comprised of soul, body and spirit. From a christian viewpoint we understand that a person’s soul (eternal spark) comes to being at conception. As their body develops within the womb their soul is already fully formed. Even the spirit makes an early appearance as the baby’s personality begins to develop even prior to birth. But pornography removes the soul and spirit dimensions, leaving just a dehumanized body portrayed in simple two dimensions.

So what? What’s the big deal? The problem is, that those who view pornography do not learn to relate to the whole person. They build an imaginary world around a dehumanized body, molding that “person” into the person they want her to be. The viewer of pornography has no idea if that woman is a sweet natured person or a real harpy of a woman. But she can be anyone he wants her to be – in his fantasies and dreams and imagination. This makes it hard (difficult, impossible) for him to develop a real relationship with a real woman. Because that woman is not just a dehumanized body that he can program as he wishes – she has her soul and spirit intact. And so conflict is inevitable and the tendency is to flee to the shelter and comfort of the picture women who will be the epitome of his fantasies with no conflict nor difficulties in communication.

Lately we’ve come across some very disturbing examples of how pornography can destroy people and relationships. Two cases in particular are very disturbing. In both cases the men had pretty/beautiful young wives. In both cases the wife was basically abandoned so that the husband could live out his fantasies with magazines and computer screens. Pornography also tends to be progressive. Each step leads to the next in a downward spiral. One of the two men we’ve mentioned had reached the lower rungs as he delved into degradation and torture as part of his “viewing pleasure” – even to the point of making videos of himself participating in acting out some of his fantasies. And in both cases the familial relationship was broken down as these men turned from reality to fantasy.

Sex is truly a gift from God. He created us as sexual beings. The Bible clearly states “male and female created He them”. And also, He commanded us to “be fruitful and multiply” – indicating a need for sexual activity in order to fulfill His command. In the New Testament we are told to not abstain from sexual intimacy within marriage as this provides a barrier to temptation as we find fulfillment with our spouse. And we are told that the marriage bed is honorable and holy. BUT satan himself does his best to destroy that beautiful gift by twisting and sullying it. Christ told us to be careful of where and how we look – that if we look upon someone to lust after them that it is the same as though we had actually had sexual contact with them. In some places there are laws in place about “alienation of affection” in which a person who’s spouse has become involved with someone else can sue the other person for alienating the affections of their spouse. This shows that even our legal system recognizes the impact of the intrusion of a third party on a marital relationship. But what if that “third party” is not just one but dozens or hundreds or multiplied thousands of “parties” – all in neat, dehumanized, ready for the mental programming (via fantasy) two dimensional packages? Those who sink into the miry sink hole of pornography do so at the risk of alienating those who should be their closest allies in this world.

So, what to do? What response from Christians? The Bible teaches us to “be not conformed to this world, but be transformed through the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2) And that is where the battle ground is – within our mind, in how we think. As I was typing this article I also was chatting with a young man who asked if I’d seen a certain “comedy” series on TV. I told him “Yes. Why?” “Because it’s funny” he stated. So I asked him, “But IS it funny?” The basic premise of the series is that hatred of one’s mother is normal and funny, that promiscuity is to be desired and pursued. Humor is used to desensitize us to sin, to mold our thoughts to those of the person who makes us laugh – thereby accepting their premise that sin is amusing. But it isn’t. Pardon the expression, but sin is as funny as hell. And hell, eternal separation from God and all that is good, is nothing to laugh at. Hell is no laughing matter and therefore neither is sin a laughing matter.

As christians we must learn to set barriers for ourselves. Not as a matter of setting laws to govern other persons but rather as a matter of setting barriers against sin in our own lives. We need to steer a course that is far away from danger, sailing in the safe water near God our Creator and away from the rocks that will sink our spiritual ship. We need to train our minds to think on that which is good and clean and pure rather than conforming our minds to the smut and corruption of the world around us.

I actually started writing this nearly two years ago. It was saved in draft form and left “in the archives” waiting for me to have the time to re-read and eventually publish it. Well, since that first time of writing things have continued to develop. I came across a book called “Every Man’s Battle” about winning the war for our minds. This book was passed on to one of the young men mentioned above and he has read it through once and started over. It has helped him change his way of thinking and of acting. I highly recommend this book to any Christian who is struggling against addiction to pornography.

Romans 12:1-2 says “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.” As Christians we are called to offer up our bodies as living sacrifices and to not conform to the ways of the world. Jesus said “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27-28 These two scriptures cut to the heart of the pornography problem. God wants us to transform our way of thinking. It is not just actions that count but the thoughts deep in our hearts.

Isn’t it time we transformed our way of thinking? Isn’t it time we renewed our minds? Guys (and gals) – if you have a “problem” with pornography, find a mature person who can hold you accountable. Don’t let it destroy your life and the life of those around you. Learn to live with what is real, not with the falsehoods that satan substitutes for the blessings God has given us.

Thoughts On Facebook

paul — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 18:19:41 +0000

There’s a “social networking” website called “Facebook“. I was a bit leery of such places for a while. The whole “My Space” and such whoopla left me cold. And then I started paying more attention and saw that there’s actually some value to these places. So I set up an account. And then started finding friends, and friends started finding me. The whole thing is interesting, because it shows how we all have rings of influence in our lives. It’s interesting to take a look at friend lists on other people’s profiles. It’s amazing how many of us know the same people – and yet each of us knows oodles of folks the others do not know.

On my own profile, at the time of this writing, 487 people are listed on my “Friends” page. In that number are relatives, other MK’s, school mates, folks I’ve worked with, people we’ve ministered to, people my wife works with, kids we’ve known since they were wee children and folks I’ve met through other folks on Facebook. It is interesting to see how certain items appear on successive people’s pages. Most folks on my list seem to have very similar ideas and tastes. There’s a few who are radically different in one way or another but for the most part “birds of a feather”.

Humor, games, inspirational videos, music, prayer requests – all these and more are piped right onto my computer screen each time I connect. It’s been a blessing to catch up with old friends from college and even a “lost” cousin or three I’ve not seen in 30 years or more – all thanks to this social networking phenomenon.

The big question is – will it be a tool or a master? Will it rule one’s life or will one use it for good? Who do we glorify through this medium? Are we working for a better world – or sinking to the same level as those around us? It is my hope and ambition that this will be one more tool through which I can bring glory to Christ’s kingdom.