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Recently a friend posted on Facebook the following question: If a man cannot stay sexually pure while he is single, why would God trust him with someone the Lord really loved? This question generated quite a bit of discussion and a few responses of my own.  What follows are the responses I made to the initial question but edited and expanded for the purpose of my blog.  I don’t include that written by others, other than the original question.

Knowing my friend and his desire to honor God I knew that the original question is a rhetorical one.  So in my first response I summed it up as follows:  In other words, if you want a special someone for a wife (or husband) – be a special someone. God takes sexual purity seriously, so should we.

What follows are the rest of my contribution to this thread as well as further amplification and clarification of the theme.

In our ministry we run into a lot of people who are going through marital problems, most of which can be traced back to inappropriate pre-marital practices. And yes, pre-marital sex often leads to susceptibility to extra-marital sex. We are seeking ways to help kids to understand the concept of Christian dating. NO physical interaction (hugging, cuddling, kissing, etc) until marriage. Get to know the person’s mind and heart before the hormones kick in. Once physical intimacy begins then the thought process clouds and mistakes are made. If a couple learns to talk and pray together as friends then it is much easier to weather life’s storms. The physical aspect is natural to learn together AFTER marriage. But it’s an uphill, upstream fight against popular culture which glorifies that which tends to destroy marriage and long term relationships.

There are hugs and then there are hugs. There are kisses and then there are kisses. I’m a hugger, myself. My wife is not. But we get along very well, because I meet her needs the best I can and she meets mine the best she can. The problems don’t come from mismatches in the love language area (if you’ve not read the book, I highly recommend it – “The 5 Love Languages”), the problems come when needs are not being met and when an attitude of selfishness creeps into the marriage (or is there from the start).

Look at where we’ve come from and where we are. It used to be that folks expected to arrive at the wedding night as a virgin and to marry a virgin (speaking of folks with a Christian outlook on life here) and yet today all to often folks allow the culture around them to tell them what a pre-marital relationship should look like. And the world’s ideas of a premarital relationship are FAR different from God’s. When I state that single Christians who are seeking a mate should engage in “NO physical interaction (hugging, cuddling, kissing, etc) until marriage. Get to know the person’s mind and heart before the hormones kick in.” I’m referring to the change of mind that Paul refers to in Romans 12:1-2.  We should “offer our bodies as a living sacrifice” and we should “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.  In this context that means that when we deal with a person of the opposite sex we keep our thoughts pure concerning them.  We should “treat the younger women as sisters, with all purity”.  That mind set keeps us from thinking things we should not think about them and helps to keep the hormonal urges to a minimum.  By not engaging in inappropriate physical stimulation we make it much easier to prevent inappropriate mental stimulation.

When both man and woman come to the relationship determined to give 100% of themselves to the relationship (Christian marriage is NOT 50-50, it’s 100-100) then the differences in love languages get worked out in a healthy manner. But if one or both hold back and fight “for their rights” rather than for their relationship then there are problems. A correct attitude towards the relationship (what can I give, rather what can I get) allows for better communication in this area.  And since we are talking about pre-marital relationships here, this is the time to see if the other person is in tune with YOUR desire to build a strong marriage.  This is the time in which you can analyze and see if they are “in it for what they can get” or if they are also seeking a lifelong partnership in which both parties will invest their all into the mutual enterprise.  If you are physically involved during this time then it is very difficult to think clearly about the matters of greatest importance.  THIS is the time to think clearly and analytically, NOT after you have taken vows before man and God “until death do us part”.  After the vows is when too many people finally come to the realization that they “are with the wrong person” – because that person does not contribute to the relationship but rather seeks to drain every drop to their own perceived needs rather than thinking of what it takes to build the relationship by providing for bother partners’ needs.

The trouble with hugging and kissing (especially the kissing part) is that it is far to easy to go beyond what is a healthy, friendly hug and kiss and to slip into sensuality. That quick peck on the lips becomes a lingering kiss.  The lingering kiss becomes a probing kiss. And so it goes downhill from there. The same with hugging.  A quick, friendly hug becomes a longer, more intimate hug.  The more intimate hug becomes an opportunity for caressing.  And it goes downhill from there. There’s not a person in the church I’ve not hugged, but there’s only one I hug as a sex partner (my wife, in case you were wondering)- and the difference is very great in both the attitude and the results. The same with the kiss. Here in Latin America it is cultural to greet friends of the opposite sex with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. But there’s a lot of difference between the way I hug a person from my immediate family and the way I hug a person from my Christian family. There is a difference even in that relationship, although both my immediate family and my Christian family are important to me the necessity of seeking purity calls me to keep certain barriers up to prevent misunderstanding or temptation. There are many different relationships we all have and thus a need to ensure that we are not inappropriate in our actions towards others.  There’s a difference between the way I hug and kiss my kids or grandkids and the way I hug and kiss my wife.  By not hugging them the same way I do my wife I am not discriminating against them or saying “I don’t love you” – I’m differentiating between the types of love and showing healthy boundaries so that they can emulate them.

It is VERY healthy for a Christian couple who think about dating to be careful of the way they interact physically. The line of reasoning some have is that “I must find someone who is identical to me in the love languages they use”.  This is not necessarily true.  One participant in the discussion referenced above mentioned that they had been in a “mismatched marriage” in which their spouse did not fulfill their personal, physical needs.  Their spouse did not provide the physical nurturing that they felt a need for.  So this person’s idea was that they need to experiment until they find someone who fulfills that need.  This is a dangerous line of thought and takes the person in a dangerous direction.  Such lines of reasoning have  lead some folks to seek someone who is “compatible sexually”, believing that they must find someone who will interact with them in the same way they desire in the sexual area.  So they try different partners, seeking someone who can live up to their expectations.  This actually leads to incompatibility rather than compatibility because they learn what Jane, Judy, Mary and Bertha like – but end up married to Sarah. And it turns out that what turned on those others does NOT turn on Sarah but has the opposite effect. And the same holds true for those of the opposite sex. That is why we as Christians must be VERY careful of how we handle each other physically. We should not be so naive as to think that we are above being tempted. The Bible teaches us to flee temptation and to shun the very appearance of evil. That means we must constantly be on the alert to make sure we are not making excuses for flirting with temptation.  If we seek someone who is 100% committed to the relationship and to showing God’s love in the marriage then the sexual compatibility problem will not arise. By learning to talk about things BEFORE marriage and by learning to respect and to know the other person non-sexually, they actually prepare the way for sexual compatibility as they learn together about this vital part of a healthy marital relationship.

The Bible teaches us to greet each other with a holy kiss. The key word there is holy. If one finds oneself “holy kissing” the sexually attractive folks more than those who are not then one needs inquire of one’s self as to the motives behind the behavior. Yes, we should be friendly and open with each other in the church – but maintain always the purity that Jesus calls us to have towards each other.

When one does not receive the appropriate level of affection in marriage then one must be very careful to not seek to satisfy that need outside of marriage. I’m VERY careful about the affection I show to women who are not receiving the affection they should inside their marriage.  As a pastor it is all to frequent that one becomes aware of deep problems in a marriage.  It is far to easy to become a stumbling block to someone who has an unfulfilled need and thus we must be very careful.  That is why I always work with my wife when dealing with couples or women. Whole books have been written on this and similar subjects. It is impossible to do justice to the topic in such a limited venue as a Facebook comment or a blog post.  Still, I urge you to consider the idea of Christian dating. What should it really look like? I stand by my assertion that it looks very little like the dating scene of the world around us today.

Many talk about being careful in the sexual area because of the danger of STD’s and unwanted/unplanned pregnancies.  If it were just the STD’s and babies it would be bad enough. But the dangers go far deeper. With each person you have sexual relations with, even “just” heavy petting, necking, etc – you form a certain bond. That kind of intimacy was designed for marriage, not for sharing with every halfway attractive person who happened to stumble in your way. What folks don’t realize is that in each and every encounter you leave a little of yourself behind. The Bible calls it “becoming one flesh” and it’s not just a euphemism for sex. It is a spiritual reality. And that is where the greatest dangers lay – in forming inappropriate spiritual connections with numbers of people to whom you have no lasting link OTHER than that sexual one. Casual sex makes for great difficulties in forming strong bonds within marriage. It is hard to help folks overcome their poor choices, but that is what we seek to do. The apostle Paul wrote that a sexual encounter with a prostitute is the same as a sexual encounter with your wife as far as becoming one flesh goes. To a lot of folks “that doesn’t count because it was only a business transaction.” They are dead wrong. There is no such thing as “casual sex” in God’s eyes.  Each and every instance of sexual contact builds a bond between the couple.  That is why we need to help our young people to abstain from sexual encounters until marriage.  That is why we need to help them to learn appropriate ways of interacting with people of the opposite (and the same) sex.  We are not called sensuality, we are called to true freedom.  True freedom is being that for which you were created.  And God did not create us to be libertines in the sexual area.  He created us to form strong marital unions in which the children can be brought up with strong examples of what it means to be men and women committed to God and to each other.

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